It's a Small Jingle After All!

My crack team of jingle researchers have uncovered a very strange fact. Jason Bateman, who we all know plays a jingle singer in Juno, is married to the daughter of Paul Anka, who recorded the famous jingle for Kodak called "The Times of Your Life" that launched him to even greater jingle fame. No way! That's either a strangley sweet love letter to his wife's family orrrrr....that's like Nicolas Cage marrying Lisa Marie Presley to get creepily closer to Elvis Presley. Paul Anka, really? Okay maybe it's not like that, but c'mon! That's no coincidence. Or it is. Fine, it is.

Pictured Below: Some guy pretending to be Nicolas Cage pretending to be Elvis Presley.

American Jingle

This just in from the Ventura County Star! Dan Yessian of Pontiac jingle-writing fame has a song in American Idol's songwriting competition. Its name, you ask? "You Believe in Me." Congrats Dan! Between the show's track record and the song title, should we slice into the celebratory cheese log now or later?

Pictured Below: An American Idol fan just caught wind of the good news.

Well Jingle Me Timbers!

Hey Charlie Sheen, you better get out of bed (you know what I mean) and pay attention to this one. Your job as a Hollywood-version jingle writer is in jeopardy. Yep, Mark Burnett originally of "I'm going to put on a loincloth for three months to win a million dollars" fame is now creating an equally grueling show: Contestants compete to become the next great jingle writer. And I'm not $%#*ing you! How about that craziness. Yep, teams of jingle writers will compete by creating jingles for different brands each week. For one, that is a stroke of total product placement genius since the whole thing is based around advertising a product during each segment. And for another thing, its just pure genius in general since we all know that jingles are sick awesome. Oh and one more thing, I seriously want to be Mark Burnett. Pictured Below: Mark Burnett once again proves that he's better than us.

How to Jingle

I looked at howtodothings.com to see how I, and you of course, can write a jingle. I have to say, some of these tips are absolutely brilliant and have cracked the mysterious code to getting people to do things. So put down the roofies, I've listed a few of their choice tips on how to jingle your way to success!

1. "Use repetition: Hearing a name in relation to a product lodges it in the memory. The old cigarette commercial: 'Have a Lark, have a Lark, have a Lark today!' uses repetition"....Proof that nicotine and dangerous addictive substances had nothing to do with cigarette purchases.

2. "Set your slogan to a tune: There is much evidence to show that we remember tunes better than mere words. That's why a jingle is generally much easier to remember than just a slogan." Please write that down: Jingles require music.

3. "Use onomatopoeia: This is a big word... It just means words that mimic sounds, like buzz, ring, clang, pop, etc. Remember Alka-Seltzer: 'plop-plop, fizz-fizz oh what a relief it is?'"...Well at least they acknowledged onomakdhafjbhsffhakntopoeia is a big effing word.

4. "Suggest a relationship: Develop a mental image between the product and a respected person, group of people, profession, or idea such as: 'Choosy Mothers Choose Jif.'" Wait a minute. What does a Choosy Mom look like?

Well if those four tips aren't a blueprint for success then I'll just see what a stuffed animal lion has to say and send those along next time.



Pictured to the side: A stuffed animal lion takes time out of to write a jingle over an ice cold beer.

Let's Get to Jingling

I would be remiss if I didn't express my appreciation for the end of the writer's strike and the return of Two and a Half Men. I can't believe I survived the weeks of reruns. I can't believe I got out of bed in the morning without new episodes of Charlie Sheen and his jingle writing. If there's one person who can inspire life in anyone and make their heart sing, I think we can all agree it's Charlie Sheen. Below is a picture of Charlie inspiring life in two women. Below that is Charle in Two and a Half Men making someone's heart sing. Someone. Somewhere.

Jingles Bells

Whoops, wrong kind of jingle. But there's always time for a little Hall and Oates.

Five, Five Jingle, Five Jingle Foot-Long

Okay, this Subway ad just recently came out, and its jingle has already caught on far more than Audrina from The Hills has to anything. The amazing part is that it really only has one line: "Five, Five Dollar, Five Dollar Foot Long." I officially submit this as proof that jingles with no clear direction or point are coming back in full force. And I further submit this total random singing it just because I can. Now if only he was a Star Wars kid holding a baby panda that sneezes while auditioning for Stanley Kubrick and singing the Subway jingle then he would be an internet sensation.

Sorry, I Just Threw Up a Little in My Jingle

Now that the bleeding has stopped from my ears, I've decided to take advantage of the old adage misery loves company and share this steaming pile of crap comedy with you. Seriously, this guy deserves to have his mic revoked and shoved somewhere jingles don't shine. So anyway, here's his take on jingles. And no, jingles shouldn't be songs like that. And you shouldn't be a comedian. And you shouldn't wear button-up short-sleeved shirts.

An Addendum to My Previous Jingle Entry

My apologies to the Outback Steakhouse. It seems crappy good song jingle rip-offs have been happening for years. And from a couple of other examples I found, I have also determined that Devo were television commercial whores. And Charlie Sheen had nothing to do with it.

Let's Go Jingle Tonight!

It dawned on me that the latest and greatest jingle from the Outback Steakhouse may not actually be a true jingle. Rather, it's an awesome song that has been disguised as a jingle. Now, see, this is lame. I think the people behind Outback Steakhouse ads need to put down their Bloomin' Onion and start jogging their creativity. Couldn't they write an original jingle for a steak chain instead of twisting the lyrics from an Of Montreal song? Here are a couple options they could have used if they really thought about it:

"If you want a steak that bigger than a mouse,
then come on down to the Outback Steakhouse!"

or

"Come eat at the Outback
And see what it's about
Come at the Outback
And leave a little stout!"

Just some lyrics for them to consider. Below please enjoy listening to the current Outback jingle, followed by the Of Montreal song they ripped off. Then, as an extra special bonus, listen to this EMF song from the 90's and see if you can figure out what modern commerical ripped it off for their own lame jingle. Here's a hint: The lyric rhymes with "It's dumbelievable!"

The Jingle, Jingle, Jingle's Gonna Moo-hoove Ya!

I present to you a veritable spectrum of the Juicy Fruit jingle. The first one is the original Juicy Fruit ad from 1981 which might shed a little light on why they ever talked about getting skis shined up in the first place. And I have to add that I'm very nervous they will choke on their Juicy Fruit if they keep doing those crazy waterski tricks. Anyway, the second one is a man's modern day heavy metal rendition of the Juicy Fruit jingle set to a homemade video. And the third one is Mtume's song called Juicy Fruit that has as much to do with the actual Juicy Fruit jingle as Tom Cruise has to do with Christianity. Please feel free to pull that one up at your next party and work it out. Work it out.

1. Choking Skier Fruit



2. Heavy Metal Fruit



3. Funky Fruit

Is That a Jingle in Your Pocket?

So the other night I was watching Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men inviting some chick up to his bedroom. And a few things came to my mind: 1.) When did he start to look so emaciated? 2.) Is that botox? 3.) Does being a jingle singer get you more chicks? Because if you wear oversized Hawaiian button-ups with khaki shorts, mandals and a Tony Hawk haircut from 1990, I don't think you're getting any ladies. And really, if you're some forty-something emaciated man with botox, you're not getting any ladies either. Really the only way you would is if you're famous or rich or both. This has led me to believe that jingle singers get ladies because they are basically behind-the-scenes celebrities. Let's role play this:

Jingle Singer: You're pretty.

Lady: Why isn't your face moving?

Jingle Singer: You know the Empire Carpeting song? All me.

Lady: My place or yours?

Seems pretty accurate. And from this I think we can all conclude that Charlie Sheen is better than us.

To Jingle or Not to Jingle?

It dawned on me the other day that Dunkin Donuts' latest round of television commercials begs the question: Are their little tunes songs or jingles? Let's look at the facts. Jingles are in commercials. Jingles are brief. And aside from the fact that they don't make me vomit and want to kill myself, jingles are just like the flu: catchy. And these suckers are catchy. Fritalian? You know you sang it at least 3 times after you saw it. At least. But just being catchy doesn't make it a jingle because we all know that lame "Macarena" song and it's stupid dance were catchy, too. Okay, so clearly I have no idea. So I'm leaving it open to all of you jingle fans who I know read this blog. Right?

I'm Hungry JingleMan! Now Give Me Some BBQ!

Okay, so this is a really bad commercial with a really bomba$$ hip-hop jingle. And by bomba$$, I mean worthy of getting my swerve on. Or whatever it is old white men do.