Jingle Du Jour

Got another one! Suckers. Here's an audition from two guys who are not necessarily funny, but can sing a jingle. But since one of the best news shows ever was HBO's Not Necessarily the News (Stuart Pankin, can you hear me now), then maybe these guys will make it all the way.

Thank the Jingle!

Okay the hex put on this site by who knows has seemingly been removed. Now I can post this Jingles audition for your viewing pleasure. Doug and Ben, I hope you made it on the show because you are singing to my jingle loving heart. Oh and for the fans who enjoyed the panda sledding, I'm also posting a picture of a dog.

Who the Jingle are You?

BREAKING NEWS! Well not really, it is on You Tube. But this is what I know. This Jingles show has 8 teams that have been narrowed down from 75 finalists. The winner will win a contract with an advertising agency. These teams are supposed to be talented. Apparently there is a huge Klondike Bar in the show. And Rachel Perry of no fame whatsoever has auditioned to host it while she appears to be high. And the same mysterious power who is not letting me show you this clip is at it again. So in the meantime, here's the picture of a kangaroo sleeping.

Everybody Wants to Rule the Jingle

I read an article this morning that basically said pop hits such as Coldplay's new song for the Ipod commercial are taking over the job traditionally held by jingles. So basically the singles they're producing are replacing the need for jingle houses. If that's the case, then that's a damn shame. I mean the following lyrics from Coldplay...."I used to roll the dice, feel the fear in my enemies eyes" can't do a product justice like "a double pleasure waiting for you, a double pleasure from doublemint gum...double fresh, double smooth, double delicious to chew." Right? Unless of course Coldplay is featured in Grand Theft Auto IV's new advertising, then consider my argument null and void. WTF? It just so happens that Coldplay and Grand Theft Auto are connected! Grand Theft Auto just edged out Coldplay's Violet Hill in number of internet searches. This might be a sign that jingles are dead. And if that's the case, I'm releasing the crazies from The Strangers on your ass, Chris Martin. And then you, too, Charlie Sheen. But that's just for fun.

Uhhhhh, Jingle Says What?

I'm not sure what to say when a puppet actually comes into a jingle audition. This is yet another audition for the CBS show. With a puppet. In a cowboy hat. I mean no offense to him, of course. He does have a stick permanently wedged up his butt and all. And I'm thinking the other two might do better if they had one as well. ALERT!!! I would show it to you but I'm sure its Mark Burnett still blocking me from sharing it. So you'll have to look at this puppet instead.

Here Comes the Jingle

Charlie Sheen is married again. No crap. And she's another young blondie who probably reminds him of those good ol' Heidi Fleiss days. So, Charlie, are you or your jingle counterpart on Two and a Half Men going to put together a little wedding jingle? Huh...huh...huh...Oh, wait, who am I kidding? You'll probably be too busy cheating on your new wife. Or watching Denise Richards new show on E! Either way, congrats you sly dog, you! By the way, I've attached video of Charlie and Brooke, but only because on the other side of the split screen are Ellen DeGeneres and her fiance Portia DeRossi and they're a lot more fun to watch.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's JINGLE! (Correction: A panda bear.)

Oh I know that ever since I posted breaking news about Mark Burnett's new reality show Jingles, you've been asking, "Where's the proof on this jingle show before we think you're the bogus idiot we thought you were?" Well here is the proof that it is real. An authentic, honest to G-O-D Jingle audition. And I would like to assert that it's also proof that I'm joined by bigger idiots than myself.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION!!!! I had this clip posted for you, I swear. But suddenly all the clips have been removed. Mysteriously. Mysteriously like it could have been done by someone with as much say as Mark Burnett. I suspect him. But since I don't want to get sued for slander, I only suspect him. Got that, lawyers? No accusations here that someone maybe named Mark is totally keeping me from sharing these jingle auditions with you. In the meantime, please enjoy these photos of a panda sledding on its back.

Jingles Mean Never Having to Say I'm Sorry

Not that all two fans of mine care, but I have to apologize for my prolonged absence. I was wrapped up in a fetal position crying over the fact that 1.) CBS is totally taking my steam with this whole Jingles show this summer, and 2.) Charlie Sheen is really upset about Denise Richards new show called It's Complicated and that was making me upset because I obviously live vicariously through him. Although I've managed to avoid that weird part down the middle of his hair. Quit it with that crap, Chuck! Anyway, I'm back and ready to out-jingle those contestants, whoever you are, on Burnett's latest and greatest sure to be ratings-fest. Sure I'm not singing. But I've got YOUTUBE CLIPS!

It's a Small Jingle After All!

My crack team of jingle researchers have uncovered a very strange fact. Jason Bateman, who we all know plays a jingle singer in Juno, is married to the daughter of Paul Anka, who recorded the famous jingle for Kodak called "The Times of Your Life" that launched him to even greater jingle fame. No way! That's either a strangley sweet love letter to his wife's family orrrrr....that's like Nicolas Cage marrying Lisa Marie Presley to get creepily closer to Elvis Presley. Paul Anka, really? Okay maybe it's not like that, but c'mon! That's no coincidence. Or it is. Fine, it is.

Pictured Below: Some guy pretending to be Nicolas Cage pretending to be Elvis Presley.

American Jingle

This just in from the Ventura County Star! Dan Yessian of Pontiac jingle-writing fame has a song in American Idol's songwriting competition. Its name, you ask? "You Believe in Me." Congrats Dan! Between the show's track record and the song title, should we slice into the celebratory cheese log now or later?

Pictured Below: An American Idol fan just caught wind of the good news.

Well Jingle Me Timbers!

Hey Charlie Sheen, you better get out of bed (you know what I mean) and pay attention to this one. Your job as a Hollywood-version jingle writer is in jeopardy. Yep, Mark Burnett originally of "I'm going to put on a loincloth for three months to win a million dollars" fame is now creating an equally grueling show: Contestants compete to become the next great jingle writer. And I'm not $%#*ing you! How about that craziness. Yep, teams of jingle writers will compete by creating jingles for different brands each week. For one, that is a stroke of total product placement genius since the whole thing is based around advertising a product during each segment. And for another thing, its just pure genius in general since we all know that jingles are sick awesome. Oh and one more thing, I seriously want to be Mark Burnett. Pictured Below: Mark Burnett once again proves that he's better than us.

How to Jingle

I looked at howtodothings.com to see how I, and you of course, can write a jingle. I have to say, some of these tips are absolutely brilliant and have cracked the mysterious code to getting people to do things. So put down the roofies, I've listed a few of their choice tips on how to jingle your way to success!

1. "Use repetition: Hearing a name in relation to a product lodges it in the memory. The old cigarette commercial: 'Have a Lark, have a Lark, have a Lark today!' uses repetition"....Proof that nicotine and dangerous addictive substances had nothing to do with cigarette purchases.

2. "Set your slogan to a tune: There is much evidence to show that we remember tunes better than mere words. That's why a jingle is generally much easier to remember than just a slogan." Please write that down: Jingles require music.

3. "Use onomatopoeia: This is a big word... It just means words that mimic sounds, like buzz, ring, clang, pop, etc. Remember Alka-Seltzer: 'plop-plop, fizz-fizz oh what a relief it is?'"...Well at least they acknowledged onomakdhafjbhsffhakntopoeia is a big effing word.

4. "Suggest a relationship: Develop a mental image between the product and a respected person, group of people, profession, or idea such as: 'Choosy Mothers Choose Jif.'" Wait a minute. What does a Choosy Mom look like?

Well if those four tips aren't a blueprint for success then I'll just see what a stuffed animal lion has to say and send those along next time.



Pictured to the side: A stuffed animal lion takes time out of to write a jingle over an ice cold beer.

Let's Get to Jingling

I would be remiss if I didn't express my appreciation for the end of the writer's strike and the return of Two and a Half Men. I can't believe I survived the weeks of reruns. I can't believe I got out of bed in the morning without new episodes of Charlie Sheen and his jingle writing. If there's one person who can inspire life in anyone and make their heart sing, I think we can all agree it's Charlie Sheen. Below is a picture of Charlie inspiring life in two women. Below that is Charle in Two and a Half Men making someone's heart sing. Someone. Somewhere.

Jingles Bells

Whoops, wrong kind of jingle. But there's always time for a little Hall and Oates.

Five, Five Jingle, Five Jingle Foot-Long

Okay, this Subway ad just recently came out, and its jingle has already caught on far more than Audrina from The Hills has to anything. The amazing part is that it really only has one line: "Five, Five Dollar, Five Dollar Foot Long." I officially submit this as proof that jingles with no clear direction or point are coming back in full force. And I further submit this total random singing it just because I can. Now if only he was a Star Wars kid holding a baby panda that sneezes while auditioning for Stanley Kubrick and singing the Subway jingle then he would be an internet sensation.

Sorry, I Just Threw Up a Little in My Jingle

Now that the bleeding has stopped from my ears, I've decided to take advantage of the old adage misery loves company and share this steaming pile of crap comedy with you. Seriously, this guy deserves to have his mic revoked and shoved somewhere jingles don't shine. So anyway, here's his take on jingles. And no, jingles shouldn't be songs like that. And you shouldn't be a comedian. And you shouldn't wear button-up short-sleeved shirts.

An Addendum to My Previous Jingle Entry

My apologies to the Outback Steakhouse. It seems crappy good song jingle rip-offs have been happening for years. And from a couple of other examples I found, I have also determined that Devo were television commercial whores. And Charlie Sheen had nothing to do with it.

Let's Go Jingle Tonight!

It dawned on me that the latest and greatest jingle from the Outback Steakhouse may not actually be a true jingle. Rather, it's an awesome song that has been disguised as a jingle. Now, see, this is lame. I think the people behind Outback Steakhouse ads need to put down their Bloomin' Onion and start jogging their creativity. Couldn't they write an original jingle for a steak chain instead of twisting the lyrics from an Of Montreal song? Here are a couple options they could have used if they really thought about it:

"If you want a steak that bigger than a mouse,
then come on down to the Outback Steakhouse!"

or

"Come eat at the Outback
And see what it's about
Come at the Outback
And leave a little stout!"

Just some lyrics for them to consider. Below please enjoy listening to the current Outback jingle, followed by the Of Montreal song they ripped off. Then, as an extra special bonus, listen to this EMF song from the 90's and see if you can figure out what modern commerical ripped it off for their own lame jingle. Here's a hint: The lyric rhymes with "It's dumbelievable!"

The Jingle, Jingle, Jingle's Gonna Moo-hoove Ya!

I present to you a veritable spectrum of the Juicy Fruit jingle. The first one is the original Juicy Fruit ad from 1981 which might shed a little light on why they ever talked about getting skis shined up in the first place. And I have to add that I'm very nervous they will choke on their Juicy Fruit if they keep doing those crazy waterski tricks. Anyway, the second one is a man's modern day heavy metal rendition of the Juicy Fruit jingle set to a homemade video. And the third one is Mtume's song called Juicy Fruit that has as much to do with the actual Juicy Fruit jingle as Tom Cruise has to do with Christianity. Please feel free to pull that one up at your next party and work it out. Work it out.

1. Choking Skier Fruit



2. Heavy Metal Fruit



3. Funky Fruit

Is That a Jingle in Your Pocket?

So the other night I was watching Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men inviting some chick up to his bedroom. And a few things came to my mind: 1.) When did he start to look so emaciated? 2.) Is that botox? 3.) Does being a jingle singer get you more chicks? Because if you wear oversized Hawaiian button-ups with khaki shorts, mandals and a Tony Hawk haircut from 1990, I don't think you're getting any ladies. And really, if you're some forty-something emaciated man with botox, you're not getting any ladies either. Really the only way you would is if you're famous or rich or both. This has led me to believe that jingle singers get ladies because they are basically behind-the-scenes celebrities. Let's role play this:

Jingle Singer: You're pretty.

Lady: Why isn't your face moving?

Jingle Singer: You know the Empire Carpeting song? All me.

Lady: My place or yours?

Seems pretty accurate. And from this I think we can all conclude that Charlie Sheen is better than us.

To Jingle or Not to Jingle?

It dawned on me the other day that Dunkin Donuts' latest round of television commercials begs the question: Are their little tunes songs or jingles? Let's look at the facts. Jingles are in commercials. Jingles are brief. And aside from the fact that they don't make me vomit and want to kill myself, jingles are just like the flu: catchy. And these suckers are catchy. Fritalian? You know you sang it at least 3 times after you saw it. At least. But just being catchy doesn't make it a jingle because we all know that lame "Macarena" song and it's stupid dance were catchy, too. Okay, so clearly I have no idea. So I'm leaving it open to all of you jingle fans who I know read this blog. Right?

I'm Hungry JingleMan! Now Give Me Some BBQ!

Okay, so this is a really bad commercial with a really bomba$$ hip-hop jingle. And by bomba$$, I mean worthy of getting my swerve on. Or whatever it is old white men do.

Liza Min-Not a Jingle Singer

A Stretch Armstrong doll to anyone who can explain this Liza Minnelli impersonator to me. A bonus Barbie Camper for anyone who can explain Liza Minnelli in general.



Pictured: Another close but no cigar Liza Minnelli impersonator singing the Slinky jingle.

I Hanker for a Hunka Jingle

It dawned on me after I awoke from a dream about a cowboy made of cheese that I should post a link to the classic Time for Timers dairy jingle. Not sure if you recall this little blast from the past, but I sure do and so does Family Guy (please standby as my crack team of researchers are still looking for the link to that reference). At the end of this little diddy you'll be hollerin' for a hunka, a slab or slice a chunka jingle. Yee-haw!

Clap On! Clap Off! The Jingle!

In case the Clapper song wasn't already infectious, here's an artist's rendition of it that will make you feel like you're infected with something. Not sure what, but something. Follow that with a creepy kaleidoscope of My Buddy dolls and you might as well call the hotel from The Shining and book a night in room 237. Remember, all work and no jingles makes the world a dull place. Or was it a bull dog?

Jingle Writers. Alive, Well and Unable to Make Babies

Other than my personal hero Charlie Sheen, Jason Bateman's role as a jingle writer turned adoptive parent in Juno proves that jingles are as relevant as ever. But you know what's not relevant? Teenagers who turn into wolves. You know what's even less relevant? A crappy sequel about teenagers turning into wolves. Sorry Jason. You still rocked it in Silver Spoons.

Jingle-dy, Jingle-dy, Jingle-dy, Jingle-dy, It's Jingle-dy For Me.

Behold the days when presidential campaigns were made of jingles. Anybody remember "I like Ike"? Anybody? Not that Obama Girl didn't create a great song. But it's in my opinion that if Hillary Clinton would just adopt a jingle like "Hillary's in the House" or "Hillary's Gonna Take it to the Hill" then the race would be over. Of course, that would only last for about three days, and then Obama would release "Obama's Gonna Take it to Yo Mama." Or something like that.

Gettin' Jingle With It

I believe I have found the perfect jingle writer for the United States Hair Force in Chelmsford, MA.

I Like the Way You Make Me Jingle

When I ran across this Sprite commercial from the 80's, the jingle in it really sang to me. I mean when I was walking into work this morning and took my robe off to reveal my red bathing suit underneath, it was the Sprite in me that did that. And the full body cast on the beach last week. Crazy. I have to go shove someone off a pier now.

Like a Good Jingle, Barry is There.

For all of you Manilow fans out there, here's a little something to jingle your fancy. Did you know that Barry Manilow is responsible for bringing us such jingle classics as "Like a Good Neighbor" for State Farm, "Stuck on Me" for Band Aid, and my personal favorite "Bathroom Bowl Blues" for Green Bowlene? And speaking of bathrooms, the toilet might be where you can now find Charlie Sheen's movie career. The accompanying photo has nothing to do with this entry.

Jingle Defense Jamz

Feel free to kick back with a bucket of popcorn as you watch this marathon of total jinglerific fun. Beginning with the classic "Nobody Bothers Me Eder." and featuring such timeless classics as the Big Mac jingle from the 80s. Besides punks who I will karate chop in a minute if they mess with me, guess who else doesn't bother me? People who ride jetskis set to a jingle.

Jingle Me This Charlie

Below our dear jingle writer Charlie Sheen rode a highway to the danger zone in an awesomely bad movie about bikers. It's okay, Charlie, at least you shaved that beard and found your way back to Cooltown with Duckie from Pretty in Pink.

Sink Your Teeth Into a Hot Jingly Pocket

Below is proof that jingles touch the hearts of rednecks, and Hot Pockets give them heartburn. Please enjoy.

Human Giant Jingles My Jangle

Jingle Block?

Could this be an early photo of Charlie Sheen working through writer's block before landing the role of a lifetime as a jingle writer in Two and a Half Men?

Even Mullets Need Jingles

This is my jingle ode to Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey, those jingle writers on Full House. It’s set to the tune of the current Pepto Bismol jingle because that’s what I have to take after I watch anything related to the Olson twins. As a reminder, the following are the Pepto Bismol lyrics:

“Nausea! Heartburn! Indigestion! Upset Stomach! Diarheeaaaa! Pepto Bismol!”

And now a jingle for the Uncles:

“Mullets! Tightjeans! Really Big Shoulder Pads! Flipped Up Collar! Puffy Reeeeeboks! Uncle Jesse (alt version: Uncle Joey)!”



Photo Caption: The Full House Cast poses before performing the Mentos jingle in Radio City Music Hall. Also starring that night, an Alka-Seltzer pill in a giant tub of water.

This Just Jingled In

Newsflash: The best part of waking up is not Folger's coffee. It's actually getting to watch Charlie Sheen pretend like he's a jingle writer in syndication 5 days a week. One man + One man + Half a man = TV Awesomeness.

Jingle Across America

It's just like...It's just like...It's just like...an amazing rap jingle. Longer version posted for your extended viewing pleasure.

Bada ba ba ba…I’m hatin’ it.

I feel like it wasn’t that long ago when no one wanted to grow up because we all understood we were Toys R Us kids. Or we knew that if we were going somewhere, it would be with My Buddy. Those were jingles with a message we could understand. The way I know that I can always trust the Gorton’s fisherman.

Now, all we get in a jingle is “Bada-ba-ba-ba…I’m lovin’ it.” What is that supposed to mean? I can’t relate to Bada-ba-ba-ba. For that matter, who can? What exactly are we supposed to love? At least “You’ll love it at Levitz” told me I’d love a furniture store.

With this in mind, here are a few guesses at what Bada-ba-ba-ba stands for.

1. My friend’s pet hamster…I’m lovin’ it.
2. My new shirt…I’m lovin’ it.
3. Chickens…I’m lovin’ it.
4. Burger King…I’m lovin’ it.

I'm kinda lovin' this old McDonald's from '88 better.

The Jingles Among Us

I got the following from Advertising Age. So whether you agree or not, it’s not my fault but I wanted to share. And I would like to add that Virgin Mobile’s Happy Merry Chrismahanakwanzakuh could easily make my top 5.

TOP 10 JINGLES OF THE CENTURY
You deserve a break today (McDonalds)
Be all that you can be (U.S. Army)
Pepsi Cola Hits the Spot (Pepsi Cola)
M'm, M'm good (Campbell's)
See the USA in your Chevrolet (GM)
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener (Oscar Meyer)
Double your pleasure, double your fun (Wrigley's Doublemint Gum)
Winston tastes good like a cigarette should (Winston)
It's the Real Thing (Coca Cola)
A little dab'll do ya (Brylcreem)